October, 2008: From Here to Forever

It's October. So many things happening, changing, and I don't mean the leaves, because if there's one thing about Phoenix, it's that the leaves don't change.

Joaquin's cousin is moving out of of my sister's house. We are happy, yet sad, about this. When Joaquin heard, he said, "Angelica's moving out? She can't move out, uh, uh, she's way too young!" When asked how old you have to be, he said, "Well, let's see, she's twenty six now, right? She needs to stay for four more years. Then she can move out." Like Ivan said, at least we know what we're in for.

Although they haven't asked recently, I know it's gonna come up again. About me working full time. I don't know why I'm holding out. I just can't commit but my guess is that I'll relent because, well, at least I've got a job. I'm off the rest of this week because I'm already a little burned out with the whole helpdesk thing.

My mother never said which holiday was her favorite, actually, she said she didn't like any holiday, but my guess would be Halloween. Mainly because she LOVED candy and she would go all out for trick-or-treaters when only a few would go to her house. That was alright though, because then she'd have candy, candy, candy, all the candy she desired. She liked the decorations too. Last year around this time, we were in Flagstaff and I remember she bought a halloween bowl and dishcloth from a little store downtown. I remember she had a hard time walking but she just kept at it, I don't think she complained once about it, heck, even I had a hard time keeping up and I did complain. My sister noticed though, and suggested she sit in a restaurant and have a beer while we wandered around to see if there was any more stuff we absolutely had to have...seems like such a short time ago.

Isn't it interesting that the stuff is still around while the person who owned the stuff isn't. What is most important in that equation? I thought about this because Ivan just broke one of my favorite dishes from a store called Rue De France, which is no longer, and it didn't really bother me, it just brought up those feelings about our stuff outliving us, and my mom...

Ivan is working days now. Its gonna take some time to get used to. It's been just Joaquin and I on weekdays for quite some time now. We've got our own routine.

One of my big concerns is what I'm gonna make for dinner because there are days where I'd just cook for Joaquin and I'd eat cereal or salad or something. A man doesn't like only salad sprinkled with pieces of chicken nuggests as an entree. We had Domino's Pizza for dinner tonight. Joaquin and I have NEVER ordered pizza delivery the entire time we've been on our own.

I cried tonight, Ivan thought it was because of the dish. I told him no, it isn't the dish. I still cry sometimes, he's just not usually here to see it and I don't usually write about it because it generally passes quickly. I have lots on my mind and even with my luck the past week, I'm just feeling that the universe is really out of wack and has been for quite some time. Is it ever going to feel "normal" again or is this what it's going to be like from now on?

Se Llama Frieda

Out of the blue, my brother looked at me quizzically and asked, "You're Frieda Falcon, aren't you?"

"How did you know?" I asked. Oh, I got an email that Frieda Falcon visited my profile and I read your description.

This conversation just cracked me up. Online, I just don't join things with my real name. It scares me. But I'm nosey so I gotta join anyway. Thus, I have many aliases. My favorites are bootleglouie and skidmark and now Frieda.

The funny thing is that in my mostly hispanic school, I could totally believe there was a skinny quiet girl in the corner by the name of Frieda Falcon. The loner, the one that everybody forgot about. The one who grew into a great beauty and moved to Europe to run a design firm and marry a Nobel Peace Prize winner. That's our Frieda.

Most brilliant ideas come at 1:00 AM

If I understood this government bailout thing Bush speaks of, I would say do it but charge interest. They'd do it to Joe Public, right? Ivan added that they should add a clause that says they can change the rules anytime they wanted, just like the financial institutions do. This was what I was thinking at 1:00 AM after dealing with second grade, excuse me, just found out that it is third grade, math earlier that afternoon.

I consider myself a reasonably intelligent person. I can even be above average if I focus. But this math thing is making me feel like, well, not so much. We bought Joaquin a math book this summer to try to keep him busy. There is a section on the guess and check problem-solving method. Word problems. I hate word problems. So I'm looking them over and trying to come up with the answers. I can't. So I look at the back of the book and I become even more confused when I know the freaking answers.

Here is the sample question: "Neptune and Mars have a total of ten moons. Neptune has six more moons than Mars. How many moons does each planet have?" So Joaquin and I are trying work through the question and I say, "We need to find out how many moons Neptune and Mars have." To me, the problem might as well have read, "Blah, blah blah blah blah..."

Joaquin quickly says, "Mars has two moons." I'm still trying to figure out the problem and, already a little exasperated, I tell him to wait before he guesses and I go over the example some more. And he says again that Mars has two moons.

At this point, I'm thinking my kid is brilliant. So I look him square in the eye and ask him, "How did you get that Mars has two moons?"

"I read it in a book at school."

Well, there you go, my friends, that is how you solve math problems. You read about them in a book.

I may not be such an idiot after all.

Journey To A New Me

I remember once being so depressed because a friend just suddenly stopped talking to me, like he'd forgotten who I was. At the time, it seemed like the worst thing that could ever happen to me. Now I see that I was so wrong. I've never been though the sort of depression I've gone through since my mom died.

In my worse days, everything seemed tinged gray and there was a dark spot in the middle of my chest that seemed to weigh a thousand pounds. I was so completely consumed with grief that I felt like I would just float away like a leaf down a river of depression.

I'm feeling better than I did when it first happened, the weight isn't so heavy and the days not so gray, but I still have my moments. Lots of moments. When I'm alone and the house is quiet, sometimes the silence is just so loud it hurts. Washing dishes at the sink I've seen my mom wash countless times. Always helping out. This is when I think, wonder, wish I had done things differently as she went into the hospital. Like I had any control.

Sometimes it's situations and sometimes it's things that make me sad. I am often overcome while at the grocery store where I fight back the tears as I walk down the aisles. I'm going to have to find a way through that one because I am occasionally going to have to go to the grocery store. Today it was Wednesday ads that came in the mail that set me off. I remember my mom sitting there, scouring the ads for the best bargains as she planned her multi-store visits and her weekly menus in her head. I can't even look at the ads now.

Her death has changed me in many ways, some which I can't express right now, but I feel it, I think it, I know it. One thing I've noticed is that I no longer have faith in tomorrow. It'll all be better tomorrow, let's see what happens tomorrow, I'll do it tomorrow. Tomorrow may not come. I don't remember feeling like that before. This doesn't necessarily mean I'm changing the way I do things as I've never really been a "spur of the moment" type gal, but I don't trust tomorrow, not one little bit.

But yes, I am getting better, to a new normal. I'm sure those twinges of pain will always show themselves, but possibly not so much. This is the new me, the one I'm just getting to know. I hope I like me. I hope mom will like me too.

And I Remembered

Today has been a particularly uneventful day. Nice, considering all the "excitement" we've had in the past few weeks.

I'm on my way to pick up Joaquin, not really thinking about anything in particular, same as the rest of the day. I'd even forgotten the date. Then I saw an airplane fly past on the horizon.

And I remembered.