Journey To A New Me

I remember once being so depressed because a friend just suddenly stopped talking to me, like he'd forgotten who I was. At the time, it seemed like the worst thing that could ever happen to me. Now I see that I was so wrong. I've never been though the sort of depression I've gone through since my mom died.

In my worse days, everything seemed tinged gray and there was a dark spot in the middle of my chest that seemed to weigh a thousand pounds. I was so completely consumed with grief that I felt like I would just float away like a leaf down a river of depression.

I'm feeling better than I did when it first happened, the weight isn't so heavy and the days not so gray, but I still have my moments. Lots of moments. When I'm alone and the house is quiet, sometimes the silence is just so loud it hurts. Washing dishes at the sink I've seen my mom wash countless times. Always helping out. This is when I think, wonder, wish I had done things differently as she went into the hospital. Like I had any control.

Sometimes it's situations and sometimes it's things that make me sad. I am often overcome while at the grocery store where I fight back the tears as I walk down the aisles. I'm going to have to find a way through that one because I am occasionally going to have to go to the grocery store. Today it was Wednesday ads that came in the mail that set me off. I remember my mom sitting there, scouring the ads for the best bargains as she planned her multi-store visits and her weekly menus in her head. I can't even look at the ads now.

Her death has changed me in many ways, some which I can't express right now, but I feel it, I think it, I know it. One thing I've noticed is that I no longer have faith in tomorrow. It'll all be better tomorrow, let's see what happens tomorrow, I'll do it tomorrow. Tomorrow may not come. I don't remember feeling like that before. This doesn't necessarily mean I'm changing the way I do things as I've never really been a "spur of the moment" type gal, but I don't trust tomorrow, not one little bit.

But yes, I am getting better, to a new normal. I'm sure those twinges of pain will always show themselves, but possibly not so much. This is the new me, the one I'm just getting to know. I hope I like me. I hope mom will like me too.